I wish to write as essay on ‘openness’, only to discover I haven’t written a single thing for a week, which would have to be the only week in the past year apart from Vipassana that this would be the case.

And this at a time when one would imagine I would have the most to write. The time when everything I have changed my life for stands to be challenged, the time when I most need to examine myself and my direction.

A few days ago I opened myself to the community and shed tears that had been bottled up inside me for far too long. It was such an emotional experience that I have been ill ever since. Yet I am still incapable of sharing these sentiments with myself. I cannot put them down on paper. I cannot play with them, examine them and sort them out. Instead, I guard myself against them, refusing to write until such times as they are safely hidden away again, tucked in a corner of my psyche that refuses to communicate with the written word. And then I think I’m in a position to write an essay about openness.

But maybe I am being hard on myself. I was focussing so much on opening myself to the community last week that maybe I did not have the necessary energy to put it down on paper. Maybe. Or maybe I am still a long way from being true to myself and giving myself the chance to breathe freely.

And it explains so much about how little I am able to share with those closest to me. It seems the closer I get to me, the less prepared I am to open up, the more I fear what could come up. But I have nothing to fear. That is today’s lesson. I have nothing to fear of what I have stored inside me, as it is all the past and the past is an illusion. It must be freed, like a fart in a jar, to be consumed and cleansed by the emptiness of truth.

I keep using these big words like truth and universe and life, but I know so little of them. I have a picture, a vision, yes, but it is purely theoretical until I know that place in my heart that is pure and free and open, untainted by the prison of self-delusion.

I am on the brink of joy. I knew it last week, but the sickness of revelation took it from me again. Now the fear of showing myself has shut me up again and I lie in embarrassment hoping it will go away.

It won’t, and there is no reason for it to. For I have nothing to fear, nothing at all. I have opened myself up to people I can trust, and once I understand this I should be able to see that the person I can trust the most is myself.

I am beautiful, I am sincere, I care, and I am wonderful. But these words will still seem hollow until I can look myself in the eye and say, “This is what it is. Let it go. Let it be.” There is nothing inside that needs to hide – anything that feels that way needs to be freed and anything that is prepared to remain in full view may stay.

A long but potentially fruitful day today. Milking in the morning while waiting for Lee to join me after the priority of Zea’s birthday; Holy Goat Ranch work day and meeting; share house inspection at Kathy’s; and discussions with Simon about the handling of Leigh’s recision motion.

So much fluster and bluster about the decision to let me go that it seems the only person who’s okay with it is me. Which is a great start. Now, for the first time in a long time – if ever – I have an overview in relation to this place and my part in it. After all, it’s hard to have an overview when you’re in something.

But I am free now. Free to open up to the world around me, free to be me, free to see things for what they are. And it’s great! I find myself knowing things about situations that I couldn’t have hoped to understand just a week ago, like seeing through what is happening and beyond to the other side. Maybe Makita was right, maybe the magic does start now. I would certainly like it to. I would like to add value to every transaction I make, I would like my lightness to pierce the darkness wherever I go and wake the sleeping souls around me. And now maybe I can.

Now I can see, maybe I can be.

Today is a special day. Black Friday ’04, nine years to the day since Black Friday Blast, and the day Dharmananda decided that it’s time for me to leave. Yep, after eight months of doing my best to be a part of this place, I now know that it’s no longer possible.

And the funny thing is that it’s lifted a burden from my shoulders. I can stop trying now, stop pretending to be something I’m not. Maybe that’s going a bit too far, but I don’t have to tread so carefully now. I’ve been released.

But where I’ve been released to is another question completely, one to which I have no answer at this point. I’m sure that when I reread this I’ll be able to look back and say it was to an even better place, but right now I have no idea where that place may be. It will probably be a community; it will probably be fresher than this place, with younger people; maybe it will have horses; and it could be quite a creative place. That is still what I am seeking: an outlet for my creativity.

I am a creative person, I know it. But I’m holding myself back somehow, and this place isn’t bringing it out enough. Bits of it have eked out the edges, but the torrential flood is still waiting in the clouds for a more opportune time and place.

But I am not saddened by the decision, at least not to the extent I would have imagined. I am relieved more than anything, and somehow aware that it is for the best. It’s like I have longer vision than I’ve had in the past and I can see that this has happened for all the right reasons. I just can’t quite put my finger on what all those reasons are, is all. But you only ever know those things in hindsight, surely.

So here’s to new beginnings. Again! Here’s to the dawn of a new stage in life. Here’s to the moment in my life that I really begin to open up, to trust in others and myself, to find out what it means to be a true friend. For these are the things that have held me back ‘til now, and they shall no longer stand in my way.

Here’s to my inner beauty seeing the light of day!

Well, the latest, and quite unexpected news from the hills of northern NSW is that this evening an exhibition opens in Lismore featuring my writing!

Entitled Being, the exhibition features the art of Martina Krauss with a story from yours truly accompanying each piece. We only found out we had the space just over a week ago, so there's been a lot of heads down and derrieres up this last week getting the works ready. But it's fair to say we're happy and just a little bit relieved with the results.

If you're in Lismore anytime in the next month (which, I understand, could prove to be quite difficult), be sure to pop into Caddies Cafe at 20 -24 Carrington St, Lismore. Our friend, Brent, has his photo exhibition downstairs, but if you wander upstairs you'll also get to see Being: two exhibitions for the price of one, which is great value considering it's free.

If you can't make it to the exhibition, but would still like a glimpse of it, I should be making up a Powerpoint presentation of it. Let me know if you'd like me to forward you a copy.