Today is a special day. Black Friday ’04, nine years to the day since Black Friday Blast, and the day Dharmananda decided that it’s time for me to leave. Yep, after eight months of doing my best to be a part of this place, I now know that it’s no longer possible.
And the funny thing is that it’s lifted a burden from my shoulders. I can stop trying now, stop pretending to be something I’m not. Maybe that’s going a bit too far, but I don’t have to tread so carefully now. I’ve been released.
But where I’ve been released to is another question completely, one to which I have no answer at this point. I’m sure that when I reread this I’ll be able to look back and say it was to an even better place, but right now I have no idea where that place may be. It will probably be a community; it will probably be fresher than this place, with younger people; maybe it will have horses; and it could be quite a creative place. That is still what I am seeking: an outlet for my creativity.
I am a creative person, I know it. But I’m holding myself back somehow, and this place isn’t bringing it out enough. Bits of it have eked out the edges, but the torrential flood is still waiting in the clouds for a more opportune time and place.
But I am not saddened by the decision, at least not to the extent I would have imagined. I am relieved more than anything, and somehow aware that it is for the best. It’s like I have longer vision than I’ve had in the past and I can see that this has happened for all the right reasons. I just can’t quite put my finger on what all those reasons are, is all. But you only ever know those things in hindsight, surely.
So here’s to new beginnings. Again! Here’s to the dawn of a new stage in life. Here’s to the moment in my life that I really begin to open up, to trust in others and myself, to find out what it means to be a true friend. For these are the things that have held me back ‘til now, and they shall no longer stand in my way.
Here’s to my inner beauty seeing the light of day!