Keep it simple, silly

Friday, April 02, 2004

It’s not real flash, but I have a feeling I may be in love. A year ago this is exactly what I would’ve wanted, but I have other priorities now and this isn’t at all what I imagined I ought to be doing. But, all the same, there is a lass that I know and the more I see her the harder it is not to think about her; the more I get these strange, tickly feelings in my chest; and the stronger the pains in my stomach. This latter one sounds conflicting but feels related.

I tell myself time and time again that this is not what I want right now. I ask myself, is this just lust? have I felt this before? am I just overly romantic? do I perceive a hole in my life that I somehow expect a partner to fill? For these are the sort of things that would’ve prompted such feelings in the past. But I don’t know, I think I have grounds to believe that many of these things have been dealt with, that maybe my emotions are more pure this time. But there is still that very real possibility that these sentiments stem more from some perceived ‘lack’ than from true love, whatever that may be. But I have been working hard on removing any perceived lack from my life, on understanding that everything I need comes from within, and that is why it all feels so strange.

And for this reason, I don’t believe that if this didn’t come through that it would shake me up too badly. I feel that I should be able to move on quite happily. But on the same tack, I also feel as though it is something I need to pursue, because it is there and it is exciting and it has got me until I do something about it.


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