Breaking down

No running water, kids passive smoking, nothing getting done about anything except by me. That’s what it looks like right now, and I’m frustrated. I feel the resentment brewing, and every little whine, every piece E puts in the jigsaw puzzle while everything gets done around her, it all just builds on that resentment.

What am I missing here? Where did the picture go all fuzzy? How can it go from that to this? Why do I think it matters?

Help me now. Help me through this. Help me see why I would want to be here. Just help me. Tell me why I chose this, please.

Now the mess seems impossible. It all seems impossible, yet the truth of it is I’m sitting snugly in bed writing, music wafting up from downstairs, no demands being made on me whatsoever. Nothing. There is nothing to it in this moment. As usual, it’s just the story of a past and future that kills the mood.

I can give up but what was never real. My thoughts are not real. They are just thoughts, dreams. And at the moment when I can’t seem to give them up – I suffer. The whole world becomes impossible and I spiral into frustration, resentment, recrimination, on the inevitable route to depression.

I do not want this! I only want to be free. I am being given this to see that I can be free anywhere, and that is a gift. I am being given this to be shown that nothing ever matters. I am being given this to learn about ordinariness. I am being given this.