Today belongs to me alone. E in New York, girls at their Dad’s, and me with nothing to do but stay home, stoke the fire, feed the cats and clean up. Today could be the day this house becomes manageable. It only took four months!
So I look back briefly and see how the state of this house has reflected the state of my mind, and I am thankful that such a clear gift has been given me. I was given a projector and the movie to go with it. It was one of those ‘choose your own adventure’ films, in which I chose to explore the darkest recesses of my mind, to clear it out, empty it of everything unnecessary. It is an epic; who knows when it will end? Who knows if it can? I am definitely the best entertainment I have available: director, producer and star of this comic adventure drama mystery. I am so fun to watch: in one moment serious and earnest, in the next light and free; and never in one space long enough to be able to define the character. It is difficult viewing sometimes, laughable at others, and the tension is sometimes unbearable. The script writes itself as the story unfolds.
I look around and I see clarity, I see a world that I am slowly beginning to belong to. Settling into the world of another – another three – is quite a task, it turns out. Takes months. They need to settle into me too, it is true, but they are not the ones who have uprooted everything to be here; they still live in the same house, share the same friends, live mostly the same way. It’s all new to me: a whole new world to ground in, and taking root requires work. It may be perfectly natural for the seed to sprout and grow, but it still takes an awful lot of work on its part. Without the right conditions, often without nurturing, that seed will just as likely fail. It is the same for me. I am but a seed sprouting, and the seasons are different here; these are not the conditions I was borne to. So the work is harder than it might have been, and as they say, the easiest path is still quite difficult. But my roots are down now and I am breaking through the soil, the sky is in sight. Making the most of this early spring, I am shooting for the light, working towards a bountiful harvest.