One last request

I will receive whatever I request. (ACIM Lesson 339); I get what I ask for. I can get what I want, but I might not want what I get - so be careful what I ask for.

So what would I request? Be careful now! I would ask for wholeness: the everlasting experience of oneness with all. I would choose the peace and harmony that comes from such an experience. I would want to share this with all that surrounds me.

And if I make no decisions by myself, this is the life I shall have. It is all waiting for me in surrender: sweet, inviting surrender.

It seems that is what I have been doing a lot of this morning: surrendering. For ages I sat here, notebook in hand, eyes closed; unable, unwilling to write. Surrender is certainly not an art I have mastered, though. Not when life gets in the way. A child’s scream, a malfunctioning computer, a slow driver, a fast driver, a mess, a cross word, a mistake: all have the capacity to disturb that peace; to see me choose control instead of surrender. My request may be granted, but first I have to be clear that’s what I really want; first I have to end the confusion.

And that is the choice: do I wish to assume the illusion of control, or would I surrender? Hmm, let’s see: frustration and anger, the need to know, to be right; or peace and harmony, loving this now, knowing not what it is. Entering the unknown is more than not knowing where I am going or what I am doing: it is not knowing anything. It seems such a sacrifice to this one who would know it all, and yet where is the sacrifice in complete peace? What could I lose by having everything?

For long enough now I have known the pain of being right: I have lived its cynicism; I have felt its aloneness; I have fought its wars. Today I choose the bliss of not knowing. Today I head home.