Break a leg

The clock flashes, my skin itches, my nose blocks and all is well. The sky is grey, the trees wave softly in the breeze, and E cooks up a delicious smell in the kitchen. Saturday morning, Virginia time.

My realization yesterday seemed to be all I needed to float free from the thoughts that were drowning me. Knowing versus understanding. Knowing is so overrated. I notice that when I think I know how things should be, I suffer, and still I continue to try it. This is the unwinnable war with reality that Katie talks about. I fight it all the time, I lose, and I get up and fight it again. And I continue to wonder why I get upset. War will have that effect.

And I love that understanding comes from not knowing. It looks a little like this: when I don’t know how things should be I have an understanding that everything is just the way it should be. And that is impossible to understand when I think I know what my world should look like – then the judgements come flooding in and colour every single point of my perspective.

I love the flow of the cycles; I love that I can be party to it; I love that I play my role so convincingly that even I believe it most of the time. I always wanted to be an actor as a kid; it just took me this long to see how successful I have been in my career choice.