Keep it simple, silly

Monday, August 29, 2005

Another river, another nation. And again the melancholy returns. What is this?

In Mexico it became clear to me I needed grounding, and that's what I sought in San Miguel. Now I have a home awaiting me in Floyd and here I am in Canada, Niagara Falls pounding relentlessly behind me, feeling as though my umbilical cord has been stretched beyond limit, about to snap at the slightest twinge.

I guess I have grounding now. This is new. Thirty-four years in Australia and I never felt at home, never had anywhere special to be, to live. My hometown of Perth is a distant oasis; Melbourne never let me in; Brisbane belongs to Robyn; and The Channon was a learning curve, a curve connecting that to this, then to now.

Tiff says Australia is not a kind place. She has a point. There is a rough edge about the country that we are proud of, a toughness that helps define us. And the longer I stay here, the softer I get; and the softer I get, the less I get that.

But, I hear you say, with over 10,000 homicides a year and the western world's highest incarceration and capital punishment rates, not to mention its self-appointed role as international policeman, the US is hardly the kindest place in the world, either. Granted. And still, the Australian harshness is inescapable; it is in the climate and the deserts and the outback. It is in the very reasons the British sent convicts there in the first place, and it is in the heritage of those times.

The American harshness is more cultural than environmental. It is in the stories of the Wild West, of Cowboys and Indians, and of every-man-for-himself Capitalism. These are just stories, and can be ignored. It is much harder to ignore drought and heat and flies and snakes and endless desert.

And still, having said all this, it is but a coincidence that I found a need for grounding while on this continent. Further coincidence still that I should meet E here, that I should find the one thing I had been seeking so long.

I do not believe in coincidence.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Such sweet sorrow. E and I saying goodbye as I head for Canada and hopefully a new visa via Washington DC and New York City.

Going up. The latest progress on the house.

Rounded outlook. Just one of the many beautiful parts of the house.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

This is so new to me, something I've never known before. I’ve been in love and it wasn’t reciprocated; I’ve been loved and it wasn’t reciprocated. I‘ve never been in a situation where the giving and receiving are one; never before felt the intensity of growing love. It is a chain reaction: every breath, every whisper of loving kindness is returned tenfold, breeding exponentially, unbearably.

It is so full. Beyond full. There isn’t enough room for it within me and it exudes out and all around me. It seems there is nothing I cannot love, now that I have tapped the source of its infinite supply.

It is incredible.

Five and a half years I spent with Robyn, four with Tracey, and not once did I experience this. I wasn’t capable; too busy despising myself to find the love those relationships so desperately needed. ‘Emotional immaturity,’ Robyn called it, and I guess there are few better descriptions of the pattern of suppressed anger and self-deprecation that she was so familiar with. Why did she put up with it for so long?

I could never bring myself to tell her that I’d never been in love with her; could never give her the reason I had for leaving her. I knew then - two and a half years ago – that I wanted this. And it seems now that all this time has been spent learning how to access it. It simply isn’t possible to receive what I cannot give; and now I can give it readily and freely, openly receiving it is an equally joyous affair. This is paradise, make no mistake.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The house that E builds. Imagine living in this place. Because I might be!!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Jamie's in love!! I met the most gorgeous woman in the world, E, at Floydfest, and I'd love to introduce her and her two beautiful daughters to you. Hopefully you'll be reading a lot more about them.

Ain't love grand?

L riding the kangaroo.

Aren't they gorgeous? E and Y.