Keep it simple, silly

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I saw a little black spot on my back today. I was checking where I had bumped it earlier to see if I’d done any damage, and instead I saw the spot.

I am learning at the moment that my body is a wholly neutral thing, and the story of this spot is providing me with plenty of opportunity to get a grasp on it.

Certainly, it’s only a spot, but being Australian is an excellent precondition for melanoma, and thoughts of that possibility preoccupy my mind in the aftermath of the observation.

Death does not overly concern me. I’ve never suffered the degree of fear of it that some people appear to have, so that is fortunate. My first thoughts go instead to E: I wouldn’t want to leave her in the lurch, wouldn’t want to become a burden in her life – her small frame has enough to carry as it is.

And it would be sad to leave this life just as it was getting so good. I would love to celebrate a little longer, grow a little more and enjoy the fruits of my labour.

Who’s to say I won’t? I am not my body anyway. It doesn’t belong to me, it is just something that has been lent to me for the length of its life. It has done so much for me already in that time, and I am so grateful for all its effort, especially after all those years of punishing it. What did it ever do to deserve that treatment?

It is strange – I wouldn’t have thought I was all that attached to it – and maybe I’m not. But there is a sadness at the thought of losing it.

And all this conjecture over a spot! An entire story leading to the very death of this body has been made and all that ever happened is that its eyes looked in a mirror! It is too funny.

Monday, October 24, 2005

A blast from the past: my brother Steve (left), me and my ex-defacto-stepbrother Matt (right) at the footy last year (I think). Thanks Matt!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

So much suffering. I see it everywhere, and every time I do it makes me grateful for what I have learned.

Recently I have been witnessing and hearing the manifestations of the same thoughts I used to carry as gospel: the world is a cruel, competitive place and everyone is out to get me. When I lived with this belief it proved itself to be true every opportunity it had. “If I’m not good enough for you, then you’re not good enough for me,” used to be my catchcry. And as it turned out (of course) nobody was good enough.

Today it has transformed into something more like, ‘everyone’s a winner.’ And again, unsurprisingly, it proves itself to be true as often as it can. It is all just a question of perception: whatever I choose to perceive will manifest for me – such is the nature of looking at an illusion.

I have been yelled at by someone I had formerly feared. It was fascinating to watch the love grow inside of me as compassion where the fear once dwelled. Instead of seeing someone angry at me, threatening me, I saw someone angry – really angry – at themselves. I saw myself in a past life. In that past life I would either fight back or shrink away; this time I stood and watched in remembrance of the child who once despised himself this much as well. Now that child knows that the world was never against him – he was against the world, and most significantly, against himself.

It is so strange to watch the reflections. A dozen years ago I managed to alienate myself from the entire music industry in Perth; then I moved to Melbourne, where I repeatedly set myself up to fail, and continually succeeded in doing so; then in Brisbane I ensured my unemployability in the commercial music industry; and I finally moved to a community where I could never earn respect. Throughout this time I was demonstrably competent and capable and decidedly unpleasant to be around. But somewhere underneath it all I was growing and learning, and that seemed somehow to manifest in my travels, where all of a sudden I found people welcoming and loving me. It was literally a whole new world.

Which is why this homecoming is so invaluable. Perceptions being what they are, they often don’t change. So I repeatedly see people responding and reacting to the man they knew, and it is most educational. I am seeing clearly that how people respond has absolutely nothing to do with me – we are all just seeing what we want to.

I was told yesterday that I haven’t changed at all. It is true: only my perception has. It’s all that ever can.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I've just spent a wonderful month and a bit with my Mum in Brunswick Heads, catching up with friends, soaking up the sun and reacquainting myself with Australia. Here are a few shots from my last day there.

Me with Mum on her verandah...

...and with my beautiful friend Tiff...

...and with my cousins and aunty, from left to right: cousins Lora, Charlie & Rachel, aunty Barbara, me and Mum.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Turtle time. Y (left) and L at the zoo in Central Park.